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When I was small, I was surrounded by white little girls at school. I was envious of their beautiful hair and I wish I was white… Just for the hair.  When my mum was doing my hair, I was crying because it was so painful, I hated those moments and my mum hit me with the comb to make me stop moving.

That’s how started my complex.

I’ve always disliked my hair because of how they look like, and because of the fact it’s so hard to comb them.

That may be just stupid thoughts… But actually it’s deeper than that since it depressed me.

In fact, I don’t think that afro hair are ugly in general. When I see photos of black girls with their natural hair, well done, I find them very beautiful, more beautiful than any girl in the world.

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The problem is me. Basically it’s because long hair fit me better than short hair and my hair don’t seem to grow more because of their nature. So I find myself ugly with my natural hair.

I do not want to be white anymore, it was just a child thought… I’m very happy to be myself. However, my hair were a huge complex until today and even now that’s difficult to get over it…

Of course I want to have smooth hair… Like a lot of black women actually and I believe that’s a fantasm that is related to the fact that the unconscious ideal of beauty of black women in westerner countries  for the hair are white women’s. That’s because of our story, magazines, TV etc… If not, why would black women want to have their hair straightened etc? That’s unfortunate. When I tried to straighten my hair, it was disastreous and I lost a lot of hair. I said to myself that I would never want to do it again. My hair has also changed of nature because of that and I’m very sad to have partly lost my original hair which proves that they’re still precious to me. That’s a love/hate relationship. I wish I’ll never do it again even if I want to be a model and that’s gonna be difficult…

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I read a discussion about that on a blog. The comments were so confusing and there were such misunderstandings. But I found a comment very interesting that can help me to make reader(s) understand my point:

There was a girl that has exactly the same problem as me & who received hateful replies because of that. Another girl reported it and replied, trying to help her. On this blog, a person commented.

“Hello. Well, this message was very painful to me because I think this young girl doesn’t feel good about herself and I don’t think it’s offending. We blacks, have a fucking inferiority complex. It’s because of our story and some people assume it better than other. We can’t blame poeple who can’t assume their culture. No, at the contrary we have to sensitize them, to tell them their own story, to tell them from what does this inferiority complex about frizzy hair come. We need to tell them that it’s the white man who’s treated our race & criticized our hair by comparing them with wall-to-wall carpet etc. The Black is proud and is right to be, because after so many overcome obstacles, it’s normal.  This young girl must be careworn by her complexes and believe me it’s hard to feel good about ourselves in a society in which we demand you to be perfect. Sweetie, I could say you that no matter you hair color & your flizzy hair, you’re pretty but I prefer to tell you to thank God for what he gave you. Don’t feel the need to call into question his work because you have 2 good assets : your chocolate color and your cloud(y) hair. The black beauty is pure, it’s gold that no one can undervalue.”

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I don’t think exactly like this lovely person but I quite agree with some of her points. This comment moves me, it makes me feel good and I wish all the black girls, mixed race girls who have such a complex could read this.

Today I realized that it WAS a complex. I wasn’t aware of that but now that I acknowledge it it’s like my view has changed. I need to assume myself. It’s partly because 1 month ago, I met a friend and we have long discussions about everything. For some reason, I’m less and less complexed and I think more and more positively of myself. Those discussions bring me lots of good things.

Today when I looked at my natural hair, I did think they were nice. For the first time of my life.

I will try to be proud of my hair. To show to the world that those hair are beautiful although they’re different. I will try to change ppl’s views on that and I will try to make wonderful things with my hair. I’ll show up my difference.

I’m not saying that I don’t want my hair smooth anymore, or that I will always have my natural hair (as long as they don’t have nigtails, they break themsleves –‘), but I’ll try to be proud of them and to do beautiful things with my natural hair.

“The black beauty is pure, it’s gold that no one can undervalue.”

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I’m completely amazed by her beauty…